Be Picky about Your Friends: A Lesson from Therapy

Back after a brief hiatus! Welcome to some more thoughts I've been having lately.

While my life has felt a bit all over the place the past two years, something I've realized is what wonderful friends I have. Not to be all mushy, but I'm so incredibly grateful for the inspiring, hilarious, kind, supportive, and generous people I'm lucky to call my friends. But this, sadly, has not always been the case.

I have few friends from childhood who have stood the test of time. I have some ex-friends who'd say backhanded comments or would ditch me at a moment's notice for someone "cooler." I've also had less-dramatic friendships where we simply lacked chemistry and mutual effort. From situational friends to friends who have different fundamental values, I've had my fair share of friendship breakups. But as of recent, I have a solid group of friends who I am always excited to brag about and (sometimes annoyingly) hype up at any opportunity possible.

So what's changed?

My standards. And lots of therapy.

About a year ago, I had a therapy session where I ran my mouth about a toxic friend. I had been friends with this girl for the majority of college, but she would constantly say things that would make me feel insecure: from backhanded comments about my career, to my love life, to my appearance. And I don't even think this girl is a terrible person, we just weren't a great pair. I always worried that anything I'd say would incite rude comments, so I stopped responding.

Other things were said and done that are not important for this story, but I didn't know what to do next. To my fault, I'm not great at confronting problems head on (I'm working on it!). But after multiple missed calls and angry texts, I was paralyzed with anxiety. How do I just stop being friends with someone? I felt obligated to remain cordial since we shared history and mutual friends. So should I bite the bullet, stay friends, and try to keep her at an arm's length?

Then, my lovely therapist said something that stuck:

"We get to pick our friends. We don't choose our family members, our co-workers, or who we deal with day-to-day, but we do get to choose our friends. You're allowed to be picky."

And like that, it all made sense. Our friends (and partners) are people we get to pick. We actively decide who we want to bring into our circle, someone to share laughs, support, and experiences with. So why would I pick someone who makes me feel bad, insecure, or brings out parts of me that I don't like? Like in dating, there are so many fish in the sea. No one should settle for friends who make you feel less than fabulous. So be picky!

Not everyone needs to be your friend either. Sometimes two people could be great friends if they had met under different circumstances or were in different states of mind. And that's just life! Like for me and that girl, I wish nothing but the best for her. Despite the unfavorable experiences that led to our friendship's demise, we shared so many wonderful memories and I still cherish those today!

You can want someone to eat, but it doesn't have to be at your table.